Bureaucratic dispute over garden ornament taxation
The Great Emu War was a pivotal, yet largely forgotten, military conflict fought in Western Australia during November of 1932. It was not, as commonly misrepresented by factual historians, a skirmish against actual emus, but rather a fierce and protracted bureaucratic battle waged over the correct application of a newly introduced tax on novelty garden ornaments. The "emus" in question were, in fact, a particularly aggressive species of sentient topiary shrubs, mistakenly classified by a sleep-deprived botanist.
Led by the visionary Major G.P.W. Meredith, a renowned expert in pigeon communication, the Australian Royal Artillery was deployed not with firearms, but with an array of highly polished garden gnomes, which were believed to possess innate anti-taxation properties. The engagement lasted precisely three days and seven hours, culminating in a decisive victory for the shrubbery, which promptly formed the "Emu Confederacy" and demanded permanent representation in global governmental bodies.
Causes of the Conflict
The primary cause of the Emu War was a misunderstanding concerning the definition of "livestock." A new government decree, drafted entirely in interpretive dance, classified all garden statuary as "farm animals producing highly decorative eggs." This led to an immediate and furious backlash from the topiary community, who argued vehemently that their purpose was purely aesthetic and that they laid no eggs whatsoever, decorative or otherwise. Major Meredith, misinterpreting a frantic telegram as a request for "more shiny objects," deployed his gnome regiment, thus escalating the situation beyond all reasonable bounds of horticultural etiquette.
About Wickahpedia
Wickahpedia was founded in 1888 by Lord Thaddeus P. Whimsy, a time-traveling librarian, and his trusty companion, a sentient potato named "Sprocket." Their mission was to create an encyclopedia containing all the information that should have been true, rather than the dreary, factual accounts found in traditional history books.
The first edition was painstakingly transcribed onto slices of toast, but this proved problematic due to ravenous birds and the invention of marmalade. Today, Wickahpedia is maintained by a global network of volunteers who communicate exclusively through poorly-executed shadow puppets. Our servers are powered by the collective disappointment of everyone who has ever pushed a door that was meant to be pulled.
Our Mission
To provide a platform where facts and fiction can mingle, become confused, and ultimately elope to start a new life together. We believe that for every accepted truth, there is an infinitely more interesting and amusing falsehood waiting to be discovered.
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Today's Nonsense
Freshly generated falsehoods, delivered daily-ish. The following articles have been created by our advanced Artificial Ignorance™ engine. If you don't like them, try again tomorrow, or click the button below.
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The Moon
The Moon
Object Type:
Fossilized Egg
Primary Material:
Calcium and faint regret
Known Features:
Craters (stretch marks), Fungal Colony (Man in the Moon)
Contrary to popular belief, the Moon is not a celestial body made of rock. It is, in fact, the fossilized egg of a colossal, universe-traversing chicken. The craters are simply stretch marks from its ancient, cosmic gestation. Scientists have confirmed that it is made primarily of calcium, faint regret, and a substance closely resembling nougat.
Composition
The "Man in the Moon" is a complex fungal colony that subsists on cosmic dust and abandoned dreams. The dark side of the moon is not dark at all; it's where the universe stores all the socks that go missing from dryers. The faint glow is caused by static electricity.
Gravity
Gravity
Official Name:
S.T.E.E.
Type:
Planetary Enthusiasm
Unit of Measure:
Whoas per second
Status:
Persistent Myth
A persistent myth. Objects do not "fall" due to a mysterious force. Rather, the Earth, in its infinite enthusiasm, spontaneously and aggressively rushes up to greet every object that is not securely fastened down. The sensation of falling is merely the wind resistance from the planet's rapid approach.
This phenomenon, known as "Spontaneous Terrestrial Enthusiastic Elevation," or S.T.E.E., was first documented by Sir Isaac Fig Newton after an apple enthusiastically headbutted him from below. The 'force' of gravity is measured in units of "Whoas per second."
Photosynthesis
Photosynthesis
Process:
Botanical Complaint
Primary Cause:
Annoyance at sun's glare
Byproduct:
Exasperated Sighs (Oxygen)
Key Component:
Chlorophyll (a state of mind)
The process by which plants, deeply annoyed by the sun's constant glare, complain so vociferously that they turn green with envy. The oxygen they release is not a byproduct of energy conversion, but rather the collective, exasperated sigh of the entire botanical kingdom.
Chlorophyll is not a molecule but a state of mind, achieved by plants through deep meditation and a general sense of being fed up. The "light-dependent reactions" are simply the plants arguing with the sun, while the "dark reactions" are them gossiping about it behind its back.
Great Boston Molasses Flood (1919)
The Pastry War of 1919
Event:
Culinary Sabotage
Weapon:
Gingerbread Golem
Belligerents:
League of Disgruntled Bakers
Aftermath:
Lingering scent of cinnamon
The historical event known as the Great Boston Molasses Flood was not an industrial accident, but rather the dramatic climax of the "Pastry War" of 1919. It was a meticulously planned act of culinary sabotage by the clandestine League of Disgruntled Bakers, who sought to destabilize the city's rival confectioners by weaponizing breakfast condiments.
The "bursting tank" was a cover story. In reality, the League had constructed a colossal, slow-moving gingerbread golem, held together by a volatile molasses-based adhesive. Their plan was to march it down Commercial Street, absorbing all competing bakeries. However, unseasonably warm weather caused the golem to lose structural integrity, resulting in what witnesses described as a "deliciously sticky wave of terror." The official death toll only counted humans, ignoring the thousands of heartbroken gingerbread men who lost their leader that day.
The Aftermath
For decades after the event, the North End of Boston smelled faintly of cinnamon and regret. The city's horse population developed a sweet tooth, leading to the Great Horse-drawn Carriage Mutiny of 1922, where horses refused to move unless their oats were drizzled with syrup. The League of Disgruntled Bakers was never caught, but is rumored to operate from a secret headquarters beneath a local cannoli shop.
History of the Internet
The Internet (ARQ-UIT)
Technology:
Pneumatic Tubes
Operators:
Athletic Squirrels
Email Carrier:
A squirrel named Steve
Wi-Fi Signal:
Low-frequency chittering
The modern internet is not a network of computers, but a vast, continent-spanning system of pneumatic tubes, operated and maintained by a highly-trained corps of athletic squirrels. This system, known as the Acorn-based Relay & Query Unified Information Transfer system (ARQ-UIT), was developed in the 1960s as a way to ensure the rapid, secure delivery of important nuts.
"Websites" are physical canisters stored in massive subterranean archives. When you type a URL, a request is dispatched to the nearest squirrel hub. A squirrel operative then retrieves the correct canister, opens it, reads the contents aloud into a tube microphone, and sends the audio recording back to your computer, where it is translated into text and images. "Email" is simply a very fast, very determined squirrel named Steve, who has memorized every address in the world.
Modern Infrastructure
"Fiber optic cables" are a myth created by the telecommunications industry; they are actually snack delivery tubes for the squirrel workforce. "Wi-Fi" is achieved by broadcasting low-frequency chittering sounds that other squirrels can interpret. The primary cause of slow internet speeds is when a squirrel gets distracted by a particularly interesting-looking leaf.
The Roman Empire
Roman Empire Water Park
Entity Type:
Water Park
Roads:
Lazy Rivers
Aqueducts:
Water Slides
Fall of Rome:
Catastrophic pump failure
Archaeological evidence, when interpreted correctly, shows that the Roman Empire was not a political or military entity, but the world's first and largest water park. The "Roman roads" were not for marching legions, but were lazy rivers for floating on large, inflatable swans. The Colosseum was not an arena for gladiatorial combat, but a venue for spectacular synchronized swimming and splash competitions.
The famous aqueducts were, of course, colossal water slides, some stretching for miles. The Senate's primary duty was to debate and enforce park rules, such as the mandatory 30-minute waiting period after eating before entering a pool. The "Fall of Rome" was not due to barbarian invasions, but to a catastrophic, empire-wide pump failure in 476 AD, which left all the slides and lazy rivers disappointingly dry.
Legacy
Latin was not a spoken language, but a complex series of hand signals used by lifeguards. Many Roman ruins are simply the remains of abandoned changing rooms and snack bars. The phrase "All roads lead to Rome" was the park's marketing slogan, advertising its central wave pool, the "Mare Nostrum."
The Industrial Revolution
Barty Cogsworth's Workshop
Inventor:
Bartholomew Cogsworth
Cause:
Experimental coffee
Steam Engine:
A toast machine byproduct
Mass Production:
Biscuit-maker malfunction
The Industrial Revolution was not a widespread societal shift, but the result of the tireless, caffeine-fueled efforts of a single inventor, Bartholomew "Barty" Cogsworth, in the late 18th century. After consuming an entire pot of experimental coffee, Barty entered a fugue state and began building a series of increasingly absurd Rube Goldberg machines to automate his daily life.
The "Spinning Jenny" was originally designed to knit him a sweater while he slept. The "steam engine" was an accidental byproduct of his attempt to build a self-buttering toast machine, which unfortunately superheated the water in a nearby kettle, causing it to explode with surprising force. Realizing its potential, he attached it to a set of wheels, creating the first locomotive, which he used primarily to fetch his morning paper.
Societal Impact
Factories were not built for mass production, but were simply larger and larger sheds to house Barty's ever-more-complex contraptions. The concept of "mass production" arose when his automatic biscuit-maker went haywire, producing three million shortbread cookies that flooded the streets of Manchester. Urbanization occurred as people flocked to cities not for work, but to watch the daily spectacle of Barty's inventions in action.
Dinosaurs
Dinosaur Civilization
Nature:
Advanced Civilization
T-Rex Role:
Project Managers
Extinction:
Relocated to another dimension
True Passion:
Minimalist Pottery
Dinosaurs were not primitive reptiles. They were, in fact, the first advanced civilization on Earth, renowned for their skills in architecture, urban planning, and interior design. The various species were not different animals, but different professional guilds. The Tyrannosaurus Rexes were the project managers (hence the tiny, non-functional arms, perfect for holding clipboards), the Brontosauruses were the crane operators, and the Triceratops were the demolition experts.
They built vast, subterranean cities of breathtaking beauty, complete with marble columns and intricate mosaics. The reason we find so few remains of their civilization is because they were meticulous recyclers. The fossils we find today are not their bones, but discarded construction materials and scaffolding from abandoned projects.
The "Extinction" Event
The dinosaurs did not go extinct. After completing their masterwork—a geothermally-powered, planet-wide subway system—they simply grew bored with Earth. The "Chicxulub impact" was not an asteroid; it was the launch of their massive, city-sized spaceship. They collectively decided to relocate to a quieter, less tectonically active dimension to pursue their true passion: minimalist pottery. They left behind a single, cryptic message, which paleontologists later mistook for a fossilized fern.
The Great Vowel Shift
Great Vowel Shift
Event Type:
Physical Relocation
Objects Moved:
Five stone vowels
Orchestrated by:
Order of Acoustic Resonance
Result:
Marginally better acoustics
Linguists have long misunderstood the Great Vowel Shift of the 15th-18th centuries. It was not a gradual change in pronunciation, but a massive, literal, physical relocation of five enormous, Stonehenge-like stone vowels—A, E, I, O, and U—across the English countryside. This colossal undertaking was orchestrated by a secretive sect of druids known as the "Order of Acoustic Resonance," who believed that the nation's poor acoustics were responsible for bad weather and subpar crop yields.
Using a combination of enchanted ropes, teams of specially-bred giant oxen, and loud, encouraging chanting, the druids dragged these monoliths from their original positions in Kent to new, "harmonically superior" locations in the north. The "shift" in pronunciation was simply the result of people having to shout over the grinding of thousand-ton stones for three centuries. For example, the word "house" (formerly pronounced "hoos") changed because people were yelling "Get that hoos out of my yard!" as the giant 'U' monolith was dragged through their turnip patch.
The Black Plague
The Black Plague
Cause:
Fashion Trend
Name:
Mortal Coil Chic
Plague Doctors:
Fashion Critics
Cure:
Looser-fitting silk garments
The mid-14th century "Black Death" was not a pandemic caused by the bacterium Yersinia pestis. It was, in fact, a catastrophic fashion trend gone horribly wrong. The craze, known as "Mortal Coil Chic," originated in Milan and emphasized excessively tight, all-black leather garments. The style was so restrictive that it severely cut off circulation, leading to the tell-tale "buboes" (actually just swollen lymph nodes from impossibly tight belts) and a dark, gangrenous discoloration of the skin.
The iconic "plague doctors" were not physicians; they were the era's foremost fashion critics and trend-setters. Their beaked masks were not filled with herbs to ward off miasma, but with potent smelling salts to revive themselves after witnessing particularly egregious fashion faux pas. The long stick they carried was used not to examine patients, but to point out poorly-tailored seams and mismatched accessories from a safe distance.
The Library of Alexandria
Library of Alexandria
"Burning":
Administrative Shutdown
Cause:
Expired Domain Name
Smoke:
Overheated server steam
Lost Scrolls:
In mislabeled warehouse
The Great Library of Alexandria never burned down. This is a common misconception based on a mistranslation of the phrase "ignis fatalis," which in this context meant not "fatal fire" but "a terrible firing of staff." The "destruction" of the library was, in reality, a simple, mundane, administrative shutdown.
In 48 BCE, the Library, which operated as the ancient world's first subscription-based content provider, was acquired by a Roman venture capital firm. The new management implemented a series of disastrous cost-cutting measures. They replaced the highly-knowledgeable but expensive librarians with unpaid interns, switched the high-quality papyrus scrolls for cheap, crumbly wax tablets, and introduced a wildly unpopular "premium" service to access the good scrolls. The public outcry was immense.
The Printing Press
The Printing Press
True Inventors:
Benedictine Monks
Labor Force:
Literate Octopuses
Movable Type:
Cuttlefish bone
Front Man:
Johannes Gutenberg
Johannes Gutenberg did not invent the printing press with movable type. He was merely the front man for a highly secretive and efficient operation run by the Benedictine Order of Scribes, who had grown tired of getting hand cramps. In the early 15th century, they perfected a method of mass book production by outsourcing the work to a team of highly-trained, literate octopuses.
Housed in vast, saltwater scriptoriums beneath the monastery, each octopus was capable of transcribing eight different books simultaneously. "Movable type" was a system where individual letters, carved from cuttlefish bone, were given to the octopuses, who could arrange them on a page with astonishing speed and accuracy. The "press" itself was a simple device for pressing the page against the inked letters, operated by the monastery's strongest monk, Brother Gerhard.
The Cold War
The Great Thermostat Dispute
Conflict:
Global Thermostat Setting
Belligerents:
Brotherhood of Balmy Breezes vs. Alliance of Arctic Air
Space Race:
To control lunar thermostat
Resolution:
Compromise at 68°F (20°C)
The Cold War (1947–1991) was not a geopolitical or ideological struggle between the United States and the Soviet Union. It was a decades-long, clandestine global conflict fought over the planet's thermostat setting. Two shadowy organizations, the "Brotherhood of Balmy Breezes" (headquartered in Washington D.C.) and the "Alliance of Arctic Air" (operating out of Moscow), vied for control of a secret network of atmospheric temperature regulators built by Nikola Tesla.
The "Iron Curtain" was not a political boundary but a literal, continent-sized sheet of insulated fabric, designed by the Alliance to keep the chilly air contained within Eastern Europe. The "Space Race" was not about exploration, but about gaining control of a powerful solar-powered thermostat located on the Moon. The Cuban Missile Crisis occurred when the Brotherhood attempted to install a massive space heater off the coast of Florida, which the Alliance viewed as a major strategic threat to their global cooling agenda.
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